It is every woman’s dream to have a big white wedding. To arrive in church in a helicopter no less, to be walked down the aisle by her father as a mighty, crisp white bridal train trails behind.

To impress friend and foe, to show off your sartorial splendour in an imported gown. To have an invite-only intimate ceremony in an absurdly expensive golf resort.

Not me. I don’t believe in the big white wedding claptrap. Call me a man, a cheapskate or frugal, but I think expensive weddings are just a load of tedious nonsense. I am a simple ceremony kind of girl.

We could go to the Attorney General’s office for a civil wedding for all I care. I just don’t care for the limos, the imported wedding gowns and the outside catering.

We could hire a tent and a faulty PA system and have the wedding in the man’s shagz. Have his aunties’ cook that delicious gichagi “mashed” rice and boiled stew with carrots and potatoes.
Flashy, big white weddings are for broke people. Those who have a point to prove to their friends and rivals what a big wedding they can put together. Big white weddings, the much publicised and much tweeted about weddings are usually for broke attention seekers, who want to make a statement to their childhood friends whom they grew up with in the villageThey are for the poor, who are spending money they don’t have to buy things they don’t need to impress people, who don’t even like them in the first place. People who already know that you clearly cannot afford that wedding on your modest salary.

‘PHOTOGRAPHY BLOGS’
They are for those who call their friends to wedding committees and ask them to fund their wedding. You will see them all over social media and on ‘photography blogs’ giving us a blow by blow account of their weddings.
They will be littering all over your Twitter, Instagram and Facebook timelines ‘flossing’ their expensive weddings like we don’t know that is their maiden ride in a Jaguar and their second time at Windsor Golf Hotel and Country Club. The first time being when they went to book the venue.
If it is not pictures of borrowed Range Rovers and Mercedes, the desperate brides are busy disgusting us with pictures of their sweat-ridden cleavages in their ill-fitting bustiers. Oh, and selfies of their over powdered faces and fake nails.

Look around you, the bigger, the more insanely expensive wedding, the poorer the couple and the deeper the debt. I laugh and cringe when I see people getting married in an ‘all-invite’ ceremony.

What are you hiding? Your unplanned pregnancy? I couldn’t care less if I had a slathering populous wedding, in fact, my mother is welcome to assemble her entire women’s guild sorority with their blue and white head regalia. In most cases, these big white weddings are engineered by the women, the brides and their mothers, who want to outdo the other. From my intelligence, men hate weddings. They would rather skip the entire hullabaloo and jump straight to the honeymoon stage before they can start entertaining a swarm of girlfriends.

It is usually the women who insist on ‘the bigger, the better’ weddings to compete with their girlfriends and to show their colleagues who is boss.

BIG WEDDING

It is usually the women, who insist on posting these pictures all over social media and in blogs, their men are just happy to lay low and pretend to be single.

It is usually the women, who will count down to the big wedding and overshare on the details of the wedding. Of course, it is not lost on me that there are some men who do this, but those are loser types. Real men don’t go all over bragging about big weddings and borrowed Jaguars.

I am not writing this with sadistic criticism, I am merely stating sad facts. Look at those who famously got married in absurdly expensive weddings; complete with photography blog posts and websites to advertise their nuptials.

Their future looms ahead like a tightening noose. They never go far, and most will not reach the five-year shelf life I am proposing.
You begin to see cracks in their marriages even before the end of the second year. I could have given you the connection between big, flashy weddings and broken marriages, but I will leave that to the relationship experts.

Flashy weddings seldom translate to happy marriages. They focus too much on the drama and the borrowed guzzles that they forget it is all about the quality of the marriage not the quality of the tents that matters.
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1. MISS “EXTREMELY JEALOUS” If we’re talking about types of women that men do not want to marry, we must surely include this very popular type of lady. She is always very distrusting and suspicious and even though she might have been hurt in the past, this is not an excuse for behaving like this in all her relationships. So, that’s why, most of the time, guys will break up with her because after all “no one can go through his life being prosecuted for somebody else's crimes.” 

2. MISS “BOSSY” I must admit with shame that sometimes I am this type of woman, but in my defense, I must say that I often do it unconsciously and that I can’t simply help myself. At first, a man might think that this trait is kind of cute, that he likes a woman who is ambitious and knows what she wants, but after a while, he will realize that things are a bit different and he will “feel like he is in grammar school being told what to do by his second grade teacher.” So, if you recognize yourself in my description, try to do something about it and be more approachable. 

3. MISS “PLAYING GAMES” I know that sometimes, it may seem fun to play all sorts of fun games (well, fun for you), but in the long term this behavior will surely damage your relationship. Maybe at first, a man will be intrigued by a hard-to-get lady, but after a while he will want to be with someone who is a bit nicer and more stable. So, no matter how tempting it may seem, stop playing games with his heart! Act a little bit more responsibly and think about his feelings too! 

4. MISS “I HAVE NOTHING ELSE GOING ON” This is definitely one of the types of women a man will not want to marry. Even though at first he might be flattered by all her attention and kindness, in the long term he will feel suffocated and all that attention will seem overwhelming. Men love a woman who knows what she wants, who makes plans that don’t necessarily involve him, who has a goal in her life and who doesn’t live only for him and for seeing him happy. So ladies, no matter how in love you might be, don’t forget about yourself or about your dreams! 

5. MISS “DADDY ISSUES” Experts said that this type of woman usually dates older and powerful men because deep down, she is actually looking for a father figure and not a partner whom she will want to marry someday. Maybe at first a man will be impressed that a younger woman finds him attractive, but after a while, he will realize that his special lady has a couple of issues that she needs to resolve if she wants to settle down with him. 

6. MISS “I NEVER EAT” This is another very frequent mistake most women make nowadays because they want to look good for their men: they never eat. It’s not a healthy behavior and in the long term, it might even have some serious consequences and you could develop an eating disorder. Also, keep in mind that a man loves you for more than the way you look and he will want to share his life with someone who appreciates the little things in life, like the joy of eating a cupcake while watching your favorite movie. You know, it’s not fun to always eat alone. 

7. MISS “I WANT TO CHANGE YOU” This is another common mistake most women are tempted to do and it is trying to change their partner to suit their needs or wishes. Well, maybe that will work for a while and maybe some guys will even like that and will let themselves be changed because of their own insecurities, but keep in mind, ladies, most men find this type of woman quite unattractive. They wouldn’t want to stay in a relationship with her for too long. 

8. MISS “LOVES TO GOSSIP” No wonder guys don’t like this woman! This type of lady likes to gossip a lot and she enjoys talking about other people and other people’s problems all day long. As a result, a lot of men will tend to act prudently around her because they never know what she might say about them behind their backs. Maybe at first they will find her entertaining, but once they’ll get to know her better, the only thing they will want to do is leave. 

9. MISS “KEEPING UP WITH EVERYBODY ELSE” Most guys will tend to avoid this type of woman because she is constantly concerned about keeping up with everybody else. She desperately needs to know that she is at least as good, as beautiful, as smart or even as wealthy as everyone she knows. Her behavior and her dysfunctional beliefs can put a lot of pressure on her partner, who eventually will get fed up that she doesn’t appreciate who she is or what she has and instead she wishes to be somebody else. A lot of women try too hard to change in order to please their dream guy, hoping that by doing this, they will get married someday. You should remember though, that usually men want a happy and easy going partner with whom they will share the little pleasures of life. So maybe, sometimes, you shouldn’t try so much and just be yourself ‘cause you’re so fabulous and amazing just the way you are.

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The Nation Media Group is still reeling from the loss of a young journalist a couple of days ago and yet again, it has lost another staff member.
This time it is the longest serving cartoonists in Africa, whose comic strip, has been running before the country even had independence. Edward Gitau the creator of Juha Kalulu passed away at Gatundu District Hospital at the age of 86. Juha Kalulu is such an iconic cartoon strip whose character’s funny antics and loyal wife have entertained generations.

May he rest in peace but he lives us with a rich and vast legacy
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It was all horror and panic as Vera Sidika’s heaving pair of massive, gravity-defying, torpedo-shaped breasts fell off her chest inside a Boeing plane just as it was about to take-off at an airport in Guangzhou, China . The socialite who has been hopping around the Asian nation over the past few days was about to fly back to Nairobi when her boobies decided to pull a Raila-esque demonstration
Chaos erupted inside the Business class cabin when other passengers suddenly got treated to the near unbelievable level of mammarian visibility. I’m talking kids jumping to their arms of their mamas, grandmothers screaming with screeching soprano voices and hostesses making frantic calls in an effort to try and contain the situation.

Eye witness reports state that the undulating globes, fell to the floor, then leaped skywards before going back down again with a resounding bounce, The breasts which had existed only in the imaginations of common men and the memories of sponsors were now lying on the floor in full exposure and display. For once, they were no longer obscured by an expensive Louis Vuitton top.
As a result of the incident, Vera was evacuated from the plane and rushed to a nearby hospital.
Speaking to Ghafla exclusively, she said she believed it was the screws attaching her breasts to her chest that had become loose as a result of excessive fondling by her sponsors.
“Kwanza ule sonko wangu wa Dubai alikua anazishika ni ka anakamua ng’ombe. Alafu ule mwingine wa Nigeria alikua anazivuta ni kama anachuna maembe.”
But new information reaching us states that doctors in Guangzhou have figured out a whole new and sensible reason for the rare occurrence
According to the medical personnel who attended to Vera, the silicon breasts were way past their expiry date. Dr. Chang, a plastic surgeon, confirmed that a tattoo below the left nipple clearly read ‘Best Before 5/5/2016’. This means that Vera was still donning the pair for close to two weeks after their expiry date, causing them to rot and fall.
It truly is a sad ending to the pair. Wowing audiences with their unique mix of shapeliness and heft, the large curvaceous mammaries had captured the hearts and minds of breast loving Africans for a very long time.
As for now, Vera is considering asking for contributions from Kenyans to enable her buy new breasts. She is already liasing with Bikozulu (Master of Online Harambees) to set up the Saidia Sidika Fund with the hashtag #SaidiaVeeBeby
“Each year, millions of lives are affected by Vera’s breasts”, wrote Bikozulu in a blog post. “With their bouncy, friendly exterior and deeper underlying plasticity, these breasts are of great value to all of us. People of all ages, colors and creeds are susceptible to them. Now it’s just a matter of getting this issue out there for everyone to know and assist in any way they can. It’s time Kenyans truly recognized the full size and scope of this devastating tragedy that has hit one of our national icon.”
But no matter the kind of opinion each one of us concerning the issue, one thing is for certain: We will continue to hold this large pair of breasts close to our hearts. One important lesson to young girls has come up though. Don’t use technology to further your booby goals. No matter how tiny they are, be proud of them.
RIP Vera’s breasts
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A growl rumbles in my chest again. Feline. Dangerous. It is a sound that has Judy’s punani clenching in spasmodic convulsions. She gasps at the intensity.
"Aki Philip si ulisema ni movie tu tutawatch?" She stares at me, knowing there is no fighting the hunger as i step closer. She retreats again. And again. Until her back comes flush to the wall, my broad chest trapping her against it.

"But movie imeisha," i mutter.
She is resisting but she knows she wants it, She expects a kiss. What she doesn't expect is the abrupt lowering of my head until my lips are at the soft skin of her neck, my teeth scraping over the flesh as my tongue strokes it in a sensual caress. The sensations are so intense, so filled with pleasure.
My fingers race down her body and lift her skirt. They are quick to invade her panties. I have no patience this afternoon. I just don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I know the kind of person she is
XXXXX
How have we found ourselves in this situation? Well, I’ve been getting a lot of impromptu sex lately. The other week, I banged Wanja in her kitchen. This time it was Judy. She is one of the many friends of my former neighbor Lilian. So this past Tuesday, she came looking for Lilian in the afternoon. That was the same day I had left work early. After several meetings, I was tired and needed some rest. But Judy had had no idea that Lilian had moved out at the end of April. Apparently Lilian was now dating a Kenyan Rugby Sevens player who had decided to rent a new apartment in Kilelelshwa for her
So after finding new faces at Lilian’s house, Judy came knocking at my door, perpelexed. I told her that Lilian had moved out and as expected, she was severely disappointed.
“Mbona hata hakunishow?” she ranted. “Imagine nimetoka South C kwote kukam huku. Na simu amezima.”
I invited her in for lunch and a movie so that she wouldn’t have to go back immediately. She agreed. Another guy would have let her go, but not me. Judy was a pastor’s daughter but she wasn’t a holy cat. She loved to party and to have fun. Most pastors kids are rotten anyway. Lilian had also told me how Judy loved sex so as soon as I invited her in, I thought, ‘Why shouldn’t I ask for some?” We had flirted before anyway.
I made my move strategically as we watched the movie. First it was my hands across her shoulders. She didn’t protest. This was followed by plenty of jokes. No one tells jokes better than a man who want some pussy. It’s like the jokes are manufactured in the penis and sent all the way to the brain then to the mouth. I made her laugh again and again but as soon as the movie ended, she got up and said she wanted to leave. I wasn’t going to let her. I got up too, grabbed her arm gently and as she turned, I kissed her. Again, she didn’t protest….. Awesome
XXXX
So here we are, my fingers tickling her pussy. Shudders race down her spine, spread between her thighs and sear her to the very core. I can feel the syrupy dampness wetting her further. I can feel her clit pulse and throb with the need for my touch as her nipples tighten beneath her top.
Judy’s head falls back against the wall; her fingers circle my forearms as my fingers curve at her hips, arching her against me as i bend to press the hard wedge of my erection against the soft pad of her panties.
She jerks at the friction, a whimpering moan escaping her lips as her nerve endings seem to sear with the flames of building passion.
"Napenda nywele yako Judy." I compliment her. Her hair does indeed have the curls of rare flowers. The sound of my voice, the rough growl that whispers over her senses makes her lose control. My hand moves from her hip to rest just beneath the swell of her breast. The subtle stroking of my fingers there has her breathing faster, her nerve endings sensitizing, reaching out for my heat. Sensations whip through her body, tendrils of electricity flickering over her, holding her entranced as my fingers curl in the fabric of her top and begin dragging it upward.
Judy stares up at me, fighting past her dazed senses and the need for my kiss as she feels cool air meet the bare flesh of her stomach. I am taking her top off, lifting it slowly as my tongue strokes her lips, the taste of cinnamon and brown sugar tempting her.
"Philip……by the way this is just a one time thing sawa?." She is shaking, her breasts so swollen, so sensitive that the thought of me touching them drives her insane. Never had arousal been so intense or pleasure so fiery.
"Sawa Judy’ My hungry growl weakens her knees as she feels her top lift slowly over the material of her bra.
“I want you to fuck me hard today Philip”, she says. She really is a certified thot. Maybe this is the reason why Lilian has been avoiding her of late. Before she moved out, Lilian had told me that Judy tried to hit on her boyfriend. She just ‘kanyagiad’ the story after her boyfriend let her in on all the details.
But Judy being a thot is none of my business today. My business is to bang her and set her free.
She pants roughly as i catch her hands and lift them, holding her wrists in one hand and stretching them above her head as the other flips open the latch of her bra. "Uuuuh." She fights to breathe as she feels the material part, the lace scraping against her sensitive nipples. I stare down at her with narrowed eyes.
I smooth the material of her bra from the swollen mounds, making certain to rasp it over the burning tips of her nipples as she cries out at the sensation. Wicked forks of fire shoot from the heated tips to her womb, stealing her breath, her mind, as she trembles at the caress. Her eyes close, her body jerking in sensory overload as she feels my breath whisper over the tips.
My tongue licks over her nipple with just a hint of roughness. It is enough to have her arching against me, her punani convulsing as heated liquid flows from it. She twists in my grip, desperate to get closer, to feel the moist caress just one more time. When it comes she nearly screams. My lips cover the tender peak, drawing it into the furnace of my mouth as i begin to suckle her.
My tongue flickers over it teasingly. Heat rages around Judy, through her, rips through her womb and explodes through her body as i suck at her breast, nip at her nipple, and torture her with a form of pleasure she could not have imagined existed.
She can feel my erection against my jeans, thick, hard. Between layers of clothing i burn her and push her closer to a mindless abyss of pleasure. My tongue flickers over her straining nipple as i bend to her, suckling at her with a slow, easy rhythm.
Judy stands still, staring back at me, trembling with anticipation as i release the snap of her skirt and lower the zipper slowly.
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The following is the written statement issued by Issack Hassan at a public forum where he met with Kenya Alliance of Residents Associaton (KARA) bi-monthly meeting early this week.

Ladies and Gentlemen Anuj Somany is quoted to have said once said that:

“If the road is not patchy, rough and on a hilly terrain, then

the journey is not often worth undertaking as all

destinations are already enough crowded”

The long journey to the Elections has drew its curtains with the Supreme Court ruling. As stipulated the six ballot Election was quit ambitious, tasking and challenging to say the least. This would not have been achieved were it not for the trust, patience, faith and profound goodwill exhibited by the Kenyans towards the Commission.

Putting it plainly ladies and gentlemen on the 4th March we had a rendezvous with history tasked to conduct and manage a rather complex election under a new constitution that no electoral management body within and beyond the region had the courage and resolve to do what we did.

We knew we were venturing into a huge logistics High Costs and high expectations if not unforgiving, expectations. We put our best foot forward and we resolve to get it right but this was however not without challenges.

One of the biggest challenges was how to both satisfy and meet the huge public expectation borne of the incredible level of confidence and trust it had placed in the IEBC against the background of the conduct and consequences of the previous Commission. The Commission had to justify that confidence and prove to the country and world that it was not misplaced.

Hence investment in all the equipment, personnel, facilities, etc that helped manage the electoral process.

Admittedly, not everything worked as well as had been planned, nevertheless it did not deter and weaken IBEC's resolve to deliver a fair, transparent and credible election.

Again from the public's perspective, the expectation that the Commission would hold the country together and not allow it to degenerate into chaos was a point of concern. Hence our constant and regular exhortations for peaceful elections and for the electorate to maintain their confidence in the country's institutions in the event of a dispute. That became a chorus, and it sometimes sounded monotonous, but it was necessary no matter how much it jarred on our ears.

At the heart of this was, of course the manner in which the election was conducted. Managing the mounting pressure from the various stakeholders, of those who believed in us, those who demonized us, and those who thought they could manipulate it was yet another challenge.

The diverse interests that come to play at such sensitive times can overwhelm even the hardiest and most stoical professional. However we would insist and encourage our staff that there was need to focus the attention with the singular resolve to do what was right for the Kenyan electorate and national interests.

The rumour mills, misplaced gossip and speculation that seemed intended to distract us and hope that we would make a fatal mistake was yet another broth that we were willing to ignore at that pain stricken moment.

As you all are aware we were faced by some serious technology failure which not only led to the delays in the overall transmission and tallying of the results, but also cast doubts about the integrity of the process.

However that being the case, the Commission always had a backup plan which was in the event to resolve to manual counting of votes. In fact you will all recall the procurement process of this equipment that was yet another milestone marred with confusion and political interests.

In the end the team managed to remain composed and level-headed in the face of extreme pressure and provocation from the various stakeholders. It called upon its reserves of energy to keep focused and stoical through many night without more than an hour's sleep.

You will all agree with me that managing six elections in a single day was always going to be a big challenge. Unfortunately, the public, particularly the political class, didn't seem to appreciate that and became increasingly unforgiving when the clockwork procedures we’d designed buckled under pressure. We probably need to rethink our strategy for the next and subsequent elections.

Key lessons learnt:

-Voter education: there was a sense during the entire election period that the IEBC had not devoted sufficient time and resources to voter education. The simulation exercise ahead of the election would actually seem to confirm this seeing as to how it didn't go as well as had been hoped. In some of the extreme

cases some people thought it was the real election; others simply didn't quite understand the methodology of the voting. The incredibly high number of rejected and spoilt votes may be traced to voter ignorance. What this tells us is the IEBC needs to invest greater effort, time and resources in voter education.

-Early procurement and testing of electoral material to avoid a recurrence of the hiccups we experienced.

-Thorough scrutiny and quality assurance of ballot papers to eliminate mix-ups like the one that delayed ward elections in Kuria, Migori County.

-Voter education: As per the Constitution, make it a continuous rather than an event-based process.

- The Kenyan public has developed an insatiable appetite for information.

Therefore, need to ensure sufficient flow of information on the electoral process. This will also help enhance public confidence and trust in the Commission and its image as a transparent body.

-No matter how jarring to the ear it might sound, there is no substitute to the chorus of Peace that we maintained throughout the election period.

The events of 2007/08 are not that far behind us and they will continue to hauntas well as prick our collective conscience at every election period.

As IEBC, the vital lesson here is that we’re not just an election management body; rather, we’re an essential part of the nation’s peace-building and peace-making machinery.

I wish to confirm to you that the Commission has learned very valuable and humbling lessons from this challenges and is now taking measures to audit its entire general operations to help identify and address there and any other problems that may crop up. We call upon all stakeholders you included to continually assist us were necessary.

These remarks were made by Issack Hassan at Kenya Alliance of Residents Association (KARA) bi-monthly talk series forum on April 8,2013 at the Sarova Panafric Hotel

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Safe banks in Kenya are marked by consistent profit margins. With a number of banks collapsing with people’s money, Kenyans have been scared and confused which bank is safe to save their money with. But you don’t need to be scared no more as Co-operative bank has you sorted.
Co-operative bank is the safest bank to save your money with. And to convince you, read the reasons below:

1. Increasing Market Share
More and more people are continuing to open accounts with Co-operative bank thanks to the bank’s project dubbed ‘Soaring Eagle’ that focused on cost optimization, improvement in operating efficiencies and innovative customer delivery platforms.
Just to mention, Co-operative bank has over 6 Million account holders and counting. The bank is rapidly growing each passing day even as its competitors are struggling to expand.
2. Co-operative Bank is making serious profit
Profitability of any financial institution is the yardstick to measure whether the bank is safe to invest your money with.
The Co-operative Bank Group has recorded a profit before tax of Kshs 4.94 billion for Q1 2016 compared to Kshs 4.50 Billion recorded in the first quarter of 2015, a 10% growth.
Profit after tax for the Group was Kshs 3.44 Billion compared to Kshs 3.17 Billion in the previous year, representing an 8% growth rate.
3. Enhanced credit management systems
Once you have an account with Co-operative bank, getting a loan is a walk in the park. You can even be give a loan just 30 minutes before the bank is closed, it’s that fast.
And Co-operative bank’s low interest rate is the reason why its customers are cramming the bank’s branches countrywide to get loans.
4. Operational Efficiencies
Co-operative bank has the most efficient and effective customer care relation in Kenya. This alone is a magnet to customers since transactions with the bank are easy and fast as the snap of the finger.
Did I mention how Co-operative bank has embraced mobile money transactions? MCo-op Cash which enables you to move money from your Co-operative account to Mpesa account and vise versa has significantly minimized the trips you would make to the bank.
Click on this link MCo-op Cash to see how you can check your account balance or get a mini statement, deposit rent, money and school fees, pay your KPLC or water bills, pay for your DSTV/ZUKU/Startimes bills among other services.

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